duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize