2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
