Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
