When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
