i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
