Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
