I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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