guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
