I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
