Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
