i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
