the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I can't turn off my feet"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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