If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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