I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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