sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
