So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
