I want to have your abortion
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
