No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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