How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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