were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
