I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
