Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
