i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
