Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
