Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
