if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
