The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
