I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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