I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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