and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it hurts more in the daytime
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize