her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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