I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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