either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
