I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
