So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
