she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
