Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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