I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
