i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
