Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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