Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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