wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
