Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
