Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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