Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
