Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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