tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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