dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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