I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
