fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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