I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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