new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
