were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
