Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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